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How to knit a willy warmer

by
James McIntosh
March 10, 2019
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How to knit a Wille Warmer (WW)

The definitive guide including a FREE PATTERN and vigazzle guide

Every male knitter must understand this problem. The standard joke "can you knit me a willie warmer please?"

Enjoy my FREE KAL (Knit along) and don't forget to post your triumphant tube's to Instagram using the hashtag #WillyWarner

After all, it's a great project for helping to lower one's yarn stash!

Size matters

A flexible measuring tape is perfect for measuring cylinders.

Firstly we need to work out the size of the finished product in-order to knit the WW. This is one occasion where size actually does matter, both for girth and length. Surely we want a bespoke fit? Too tight and circulatory problems may result, too loose and the knitted item won't be displayed to the best of it's potential glory.

It's quite simple, all you need is a measuring tape, calculator and your chosen yarn at this point.

Firstly, measure the girth - that's simply the size of the circumference required to comfortably clothe the desired body part. This must be done in what we will politely term 'the wearing position'. If you're stuck and either don't own a penis or are knitting one for someone else, on good authority I have it that the average penis girth size is between 9.31cm in the latent position and 11.66cm in the upright position. That's 3.66in - 4.59in for those of you that have an imperial penis to measure. Source The Telegraph.

I take the sizing rather seriously here, after all The Telegraph article does state that 15,521 males were measured in Kings Hospital London for this research.

Did I volunteer? Sadly they did not invite me to be part of the study.

See ball band for details

Next, consider the yarn ball band where one will find the tension / gauge square. Note how many stitches to 10cm or 4in and divide.

For example if the chosen yarn has a tension / gauge of 22 stitches to 10cm, divide the 22 by 10 to give the number of stitches to 1 cm. In this case it's 2.2 stitches. Multiply 2.2 by the size of the girth to give the total cast on stitches. In this example using the delightful research from The Telegraph it would be 2.2 x 11.66 (using the upright measurement) = 25.65. As a snug fit in this situation could result in a most satisfactory 'fully fashioned' item, let's round down to 25 stitches so we can celebrate the best in both ease and wear. As we will be knitting this in the round, we shall add one stitch for 'joining the round'.

Current stitch count 26 stitches.

Using 4 Double Pointed Needle's or DPN's as per the size stated in the tension / gauge on the yarn ball band, lets cast on the 26 stitches over 3 needles = 9 stitches on each of 2 needles and 8 stitches on the 3rd needle reserving the 4th needle with no stitches on it at this point as this is the needle we will be using for the actual knitting.

At this point it would be rather improper to consider the girth of the needle compared to the girth of the finished item. It would be considered both Freudian and distressing to consider the length of the DPN as opposed to the size of the finished item.

Knit one round, transferring the the first stitch from the first left hand DPN to the right hand needle, slip the second stitch and ensuring the yarn is not twisted, knit the first round. It is important to ensure the yarn is not twisted on the first round, after all, who would want a mobius WW?

Knit to the desired length. According to The Telegraph the average length would be 9.16cm for the latent position and 13.24cm in the happy position. Again, that would be 3.5in - 5.21in for non-metric members. So remember these measurements were the combined analysis of not just one but 17 research studies. The caveat being ethnic origin for additional or indeed less stitches as mentioned in the research from Kings.

Reaching the climax

To ensure a neat tip I suggest *K3 S1 PSSO* repeat from * to * for the round. Close the tip by using the Kitchener Stitch or grafting as one would use to finish top down socks.

A note on yarn types

Choose the yarn with care.

Alpaca may be an irritant, acrylic may result in an unwanted sheen on the finished item and mohair may tickle. Cotton does not stretch as easily for movement, but when washed will re-shape better than wool and will hold a higher laundry temperature.

Personally I would prefer a tad of polyamide in the yarn to ease natural expansion, especially if knit as a 1x1 rib which will not only resemble a kinky Durex item, but has a tighter tension / gauge than the stocking stitch as per the tension / gauge square as above.

Avoid self striping yarn with a short pattern repeat, some in the more 'earthly tones' may produce the appearance of a STD. And we don't want that darling, do we? We don't need a new concept for 'spotted dick'.

A note on yarn thickness

An aran WW is just wrong. I suggest 2 ply / 4ply or DK for yarn thickness.

A note on colour

Do remember that colour choice may display emotions in yourself and others.

Choose colour with care as the author can not accept any responsibility as to resulting experiences, both wanted and unwanted.

Stitch types

Reverse stocking stitch may produce the most comfortable inner feel.

Garter Stitch for those who like a 'ribbed effect' and 1x1 rib for a more 'elasticated' feel.

If knit only in stocking stitch a natural curl will result on the base.

For a more secure fit, I recommend a 1x1 rib for the first 4 rows, progressing into reverse stocking stitch to ensure a snug fit.

Knitting needle choice

Double Pointed Needles are perfect for knitting a WW

This item must be knit on 4 or 5 Double Pointed Needles (DPN's) to prevent ridges that may chafe one's member due to unwanted seams if knit flat and sewed up.

Cables

Using a cable needle, if one is inclined, could create a whole host of fashions.

Curly Whirly anyone?

Fair Isle

Do you really want a decorated motif?

Fair Isle knitting is perfect for a vagizzle concept.

Caution: stranding of yarn behind could cause extra heat next to the skin.

Alternative uses for WW

  • Pot handle cover
  • Finger puppet
  • ...

But honestly, it's a waste of good knitting time...

Unsure of the stitches above?

Have a look in Knit and Nibble by James McIntosh.

It's full of gentlemen's accessories, scarves, hats and jumpers too.

Plus a great section on how to knit.

Knit and Nibble by James McIntosh.
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